The newest season of The Bachelorette (we LOVE YOU DES!) is now underway. Our excitement about this launched us into a deep discussion about the repository of single Disney males and how they might fare if we lived in an imaginary world where they could compete on the show. (Don’t judge. We know we’re not the only ones who’ve thought about it.)
The Dreamboat: Thomas
Thomas made some mistakes early on in life, but he eventually grew into a good man and a leader of the colony. All that aside, he’s also one of the dreamiest Disney characters. Ever. We know he’s John Smith’s best friend but he’s definitely leading man material. (Bonus: he has excellent #Menswear.)
The Outdoorsy One: Jake
Jake is the one who will excel at every outdoor date. Repelling down a building? No problem. Wrestling with giant snakes? He does it for fun. He will be a real contender if the Bachelorette is adventurous enough for him.
The One We Love to Hate: The Gaston
Sigh. Gaston could be so great if he wasn’t so bad. He’s a strapping young man for sure but he knows it and uses it to his advantage. Gaston would be the guy that all the contestants love to hang out with, but in the end they’d turn on him for being there for the wrong reasons.
The Serious One: King Triton
King Triton isn’t messing around. He’s already experienced enough success for a lifetime (being King of the Sea and everything) and has the abs and the silver fox hair to prove it. That said, his very serious demeanor could be a tad off-putting to a free spirited Bachelorette. Again, this one all comes down to personality… and affinity for the water.
The Life of the Party: Sebastian
We’ve said it before, Sebastian is great at creating a party environment. He can turn a regular day in the ocean into an Under the Sea extravaganza. If he lasted long enough for a shot at being The Bachelor, he would plan great dates.
Everyone’s Best Friend: Little John
Super easy-going and incredibly loyal, Little John is the best friend every guy wishes he had. The only problem? The Bachelorette will probably also see him as her best friend, and nothing more. #FriendZone
The Grumpy One: Grumpy
This is pretty much self-explanatory. He’ll complain about the group dates, his lack of one on ones, the food, being stuck in the house, and, eventually, he’ll complain about being sent home.
The Wimpy One: Wee Dingwall
Poor guy. This one is a little bit too weak and shy to fare well in a house full of guys participating in the occasional feat of strength. His father is a Lord, but he’s definitely not the most eligible bachelor in the Dingwall clan, or the Bachelor house.
The Attractive Loose Cannon: Jack Sparrow
Ever-elusive Jack Sparrow is not one to be tied down, but it won’t be for the Bachelorette’s lack of interest. He’ll cause a little trouble in the house and be great one one-on-one dates, but eventually, he’ll realize that he belongs out on the open sea.
The Witty One: Kuzco
Kuzco’s jokes are second only to his amazing dance moves. He also has his own kingdom (he is an emperor, after all). He does have a history of being a bit insensitive, but he’s a changed man now. If the Bachelorette has a thing for wit on the dance floor, Kuzco is her man.
The One with a Heart of Gold: Wreck-It Ralph
Ralph is a total sweetheart. Sure, he can be a bit clumsy, but he’s super courageous and great with kids (remember how he helped Vanellope win the race?). The fact that he hasn’t always had it easy makes him all the more endearing.
The Angry One: Hades
There is always one guy who has an explosion of anger, and Hades is a safe bet to fill this spot. He can be charming when he wants to be, but he has a verrrrry short temper (understatement of the century). This one will eventually yell at someone and/or send them the underworld. Not the best choice for the Bachelorette.
The Perfect One Who Will Probably Be Rejected for Being Too Perfect: Bert
Bert’s a chimney sweep, a sidewalk chalk artist, a one-man band, and a general genuine sweetheart. He’s also sneaky insightful and is great with kids (cue the scene where he helps a totally terrified Jane and Michael get back home). You’d think this would make him a shoo-in for the final rose, but we all know that the guy with no faults often gets eliminated before his time. Sigh.