2016 is right around the corner, which means it’s time to reflect upon the old year and think about the things we’d like to achieve in the new one. For us, that means making some resolutions! This year, while sitting down by the fire and penning our goals for the morrow, we got to thinking: what if the Disney Villains had the chance to make a few New Year’s resolutions of their own? (What? You guys don’t think about the Disney Villains when you’re sitting by the fireside enjoying some cocoa?) We thought we’d create some on their behalf. So here are a few things we think the Villains might strive for in 2016:
Jafar – Fewer Plots with Self-Deprecating Animals
While Iago is a laugh, he’s also pretty down on Jafar most of the time. That can’t be great for this big guy’s self-esteem. In fact, maybe that’s why Jafar felt the need to try and take over the Kingdom. If he surrounds himself with true friends, who accept him and his twisty beard as they are, perhaps his need for power will dissipate.
Governor Ratcliffe – Spend Less Time on Monetary Pursuits
Money isn’t everything, and placing it above other people, the Earth, and common decency is definitely not worth it. Ratcliffe could try and find another, more admirable, pastime next year. Maybe dog grooming? Percy always looks great.
Cruella de Vil – Use Fashion for Good
Instead of coveting adorable animals, what if Cruella channeled that energy into something more worthy like designing handbags for charity, or giving etiquette lessons to other, less fabulous ladies? Imagine the possibilities.
Frollo – Creep People Out Less
We know this might be difficult for him, since Frollo is just the creepiest dude around, but everyone has to start somewhere. If he focuses on not locking anyone up in any towers, not singing any songs to open flames, and not being the worst, perhaps there might be hope for him… okay, maybe not. But seriously, enough with the creepy.
Ursula – Teach Others the Importance of Body Language
…Without taking away peoples’ voices. Ursula makes a great point, the many subtle cues given via body language are intricate and can be easily misinterpreted. Why doesn’t she just teach us how to use them correctly instead of turning people into weird seaweed things? We’d be less awkward in social situations and she’d have less seaweed to tend to. It seems like a win win.
The Evil Queen – Don’t be Vain
Appearances aren’t everything. As we know, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. We think Evil Queen should spend 2016 really taking some time to contemplate why her looks are so important to her. Perhaps some introspection is just what the doctor ordered. Also, she should quit talking to mirrors. It’s weird.
Scar – Be Nicer to People
Scar treats everyone, including his loyal hyena army, with the same disdain. He should use his gift of timing and sarcasm for good jokes, not evil plots. He would be so popular! Can’t you just imagine him on Saturday nights doing stand up on Pride Rock? We can.
Maleficent – Take Parties Less Seriously
So she wasn’t invited to Aurora’s christening, it happens. Maybe there were simply too many family members who had to be appeased, maybe the castle can only accommodate a certain occupancy, maybe the King and Queen didn’t want an evil dragon fairy near their newborn. Whatever the reason, not everyone gets invited to every event, and that’s okay. Maleficent should learn how to react to things like a normal person, and go on with her life.
Gaston – Eat Only Three Dozen Eggs a Day
Gaston looks like a healthy, burly young gent, but we seriously cannot imagine how high his cholesterol has to be from all the eggs. Eggs do a body good–in moderation–but this many seems like a potentially unsafe long-term dietary plan. Gaston could vary his meals by adding tofu, salmon, hey, maybe even a vegetable. Perhaps the variety of food would also improve his mood swings and thirst for glory. Just sayin’.
Dr. Facilier – Don’t Gamble
Rolling the dice has brought this guy nothing but heartache (and a one-way trip to scary ghostville), so we think he should cut back on it altogether. He has so many talents: singing, tarot reading, top hat wearing. Plus, he’s a doctor. Facilier has so much potential, if he would just spend less time being evil, he could be a pretty cool guy.
Do you have a New Years resolution for any of the Disney Villains? Tell us in the comments!
