Beauty and the Beast presents us with a portrait of a man who has too much free time on his hands. Everyone knows “Gaston, the villain,” but few know “Gaston, the textbook product of prolonged idleness.” We’re here to remedy that. Journey with us as we explore all the ways that Gaston deserves the chance to channel all his energy towards something actually productive:
The first thing we learn about this man is that he spends literally all his time trophy hunting.
The second thing we learn is that he loses track of Belle because he’s distracted … by the sight of his own face.
But does that stop him? Never. Off he sets to find her with a glint of determination in his eyes. It’s adorable, like a toddler who’s just decided to do something.
What a determined worker he’d make.
For someone who’s so good at hunting, Gaston sure loses Belle in a crowd quickly.
Also, why is he wearing these gloves? No one else is wearing gloves. It doesn’t even look cold outside. Mingling with coworkers on a daily basis would help him realize that most people don’t wear gloves for no reason.
As soon as Gaston finally catches up with Belle, he stops to sing a triumphant verse and gets upstaged immediately by a helpful chorus of townsfolk.
His time management skills are admittedly an “area of opportunity.” However, he more than makes up for it with his lovely baritone.
His solution is to parkour over the roof like some sort of animal.
Gaston is a creature of pure instinct. Nothing can stop him. Wouldn’t you want him on your team?
After successfully confronting Belle and snatching her book, Gaston infamously demands, “How can you read this? There’s no pictures.” Let’s cut him some slack: he looks genuinely confused. This might be the first time he’s held a book.
This is the guy who, when accused of being “positively primeval,” responded sincerely, “Why thank you, Belle!” What a diplomatic coworker he’d make.
LeFou cracks a cheap joke about Belle’s father, which Gaston finds HILARIOUS, but look how he stops on a dime as soon as Belle tells him to cut it out!
He’s clearly trying his best. Eager to learn: check!
That’s all we see of Gaston for awhile, because he goes off to plan his and Belle’s wedding. His vision includes a two minute turnaround from his proposal to the actual ceremony, so we can imagine the logistics were probably a nightmare, plus he had to pick out their china pattern and stuff. Event coordination ability: check!
But the big day arrives and he’s armed with a more dapper version of his one outfit (he lost the gloves! Quick learner: check!) and a heart full of love (for himself, but still).
Gaston enters Belle’s cottage like he’s some sort of midwestern cowboy.
We never find out why.
He proceeds to prop his feet on Belle’s book (again, probably not his fault, we doubt he understands what a book actually is) and informs her that he wants six or seven strapping little boys.
Belle rejects Gaston’s wedding proposal out of hand. Disheartened by this as well as the lack of opportunity to direct his energy towards something fulfilling, Gaston goes to the tavern to brood.
It turns out he’s shockingly sensitive. LeFou asks him if he wants a drink, and Gaston snaps back, “What for?! NOTHING HELPS.”
High standards for himself and others: check! Also, LeFou is basically his intern. People management skills: check!
LeFou does his best. He literally says, “You’ve got to pull yourself together!” Gaston responds like this:
Not so good at accepting feedback, that Gaston. (Not yet, at least!) This could go on forever.
Gaston’s lack of creative outlet is clearly affecting him. No one pouts like Gaston, no one sulks like Gaston, no one kills everybody’s good vibes like Gaston.
Clearly, Gaston needs direction. He needs fulfilling work! He needs to be reconnected to both the means and ends of his production!
And there are so many different jobs he could have. Look at all his skills:
Also, performer of flawless high kicks.
He’s a master of all forms of dance.
Including dancing with partners. Synergy: check!
He may be full of himself now, but we think he could learn to win the hearts of the people if given enough time. Just look how he waves like a dignitary in a parade.
This is what we call a CULTURE FIT!
So many employable skills! Who cares if he lacks aptitude in areas such as compassion, manners, and empathy? Also, whispering. That’s not how you whisper, Gaston. Who in this room are you blocking your mouth from?
Whatever. Nobody’s perfect.
SOMEBODY HIRE THIS MAN.