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A Guy Who’s Never Seen Frozen Attempts to Explain the Plot of Frozen

In a near-impossible feat, a guy who works in our office has managed to never actually see Frozen. Once we discovered this, we had to know: in a world dominated by Frozen frenzy, exactly how much of its plot has he absorbed anyway? One Oh My Disney blogger went full Frost/Nixon on him, and this is the result:

 

How does Frozen begin?
So there’s this little girl, and she’s a witch. She can like, freeze things with her mind. She and her sister love each other, but one day, the witch accidentally freezes her. So they take her to this little troll colony and they unfreeze her. But the witch is still really sad, so she shuts herself away for like, a couple of decades.

Then one day the witch runs away, since they find her out for being a witch. She runs away into the snow, she lets it go, and she builds a nice big ice sculpture which she lives in.

Meanwhile her sister who really loves her, even though they haven’t been the closest over the last couple decades, she’s trying to follow her, right? And she runs into this blond, um, ice fiend.  I don’t know why he agrees to help her, but he does. And they team up to try to find the witch.

 

Anna and Kristoff from Frozen standing in the snow

 

What’s the blond guy’s name?
Stef— Sven.

 

The blond guy’s name is Sven?
Yeah. The sister, the younger one, falls in love with this other dude in like, an hour and a half. That one’s Kristoff. And then they are engaged to be married. This is all before the witch runs away. Kristoff turns up later, but he turns out to be a bad guy. But you don’t know that until way later on, like probably the last ten minutes of the movie. I don’t know what his deal is. I don’t know what his objective is. But I know he’s definitely the bad guy, and it’s a big shocker.

 

How do we find out Kristoff is a bad guy?
The third act is really foggy to me. Maybe he’s like, jealous of her witch powers? Or, or maybe he wants to be king, but the witch is the queen. I don’t know, man. But what happens at the end is, he’s swinging his sword down … I don’t know if it’s the witch or the redhead that he’s swinging the sword down to, but the other one jumps in. She leaps in front of it like she’s going to sacrifice herself, but instead she turns into, like, ice,  I think.

 

And then what?
And then the sword breaks.

 

And then she’s ice?
No … her sister like, cries, or something, and her tears have magical powers. And it makes her not ice anymore! I think. (He begins giggling hysterically.)

 

Anna and Elsa from Frozen hold hands and look at each other

 

What do you know about the snowman?
Oh, the snowman was created when they were kids. By the witch. Maybe it was just a regular snowman when they were kids, and then later on, when she builds her ice sculpture to live in, I think maybe she makes him real then. It’s just like, a tiny little three-foot-tall snowman.

 

Do you know his name?
(proudly) Olaf. I don’t really know what purpose he serves other than like, he’s a comedic character. He sings the song “In Summer,” in which he’s talking about really wanting to be in summer, but he’s a snowman. I don’t know how he got hooked up with the redhead and Sven, when I’m pretty sure the witch built him.

 

Olaf introducing himself in Frozen

 

Who does the redhead end up with?
She hangs out with the Sven guy, because they were an unlikely couple. When they met, they didn’t really like each other, but they ended up together, because sometimes that’s how it works, you know. Sven’s like, chill. He’s an athlete, you know? He’s kind of a farmer. I think he like, farmed ice. I don’t know what the purpose of it is. It seems kind of silly.

 

What’s his pet?
Oh, it’s a moose.

 

And what’s his moose’s name?
Oh, um. Renaldo.

 

Does Renaldo talk?
No… yes. No.

 

What’s Renaldo like?
It loves Sven. But maybe it doesn’t like anybody else really. Oh no, that’s Max from Tangled.

 

Sven from Frozen frowning

 

What’s “Let It Go” about?
“Let It Go” is about letting your true colors shine, and not apologizing for who you are in the world, and if you’re a witch you’re a witch, and you should embrace that.

 

What about “For the First Time in Forever”?
*sings incorrect tune* “For the first time in forever…” I only know those words and that melody. Maybe it’s at the end where the redhead and the witch love each other again, and they’re saying, “For the first time in forever, I feel connected to my sister again.” Wait, is it at the beginning? Maybe it’s about the party where she used her witch powers and everyone is afraid of her and she runs away. Maybe it’s before that, and it’s the redhead who sings it, and she’s talking about how, for the first time in forever—oh, no! Maybe it’s a love song between the redhead and Sven! No? I don’t know that one. All the others I know.

 

Anna from Frozen singing For the First Time in Forever

 

So what’s
“Love is an Open Door?” (very confident) “Love is an Open Door” is sung between the redhead and Kristoff, who’s the guy that she falls in love with in like, an hour and a half.

 

So Kristoff is bad, and the redhead ends up with Sven?
Yes.

 

Who does the witch end up with?
Um … no one. I don’t think.

 

Why not?
Cause she’s an independent queen lady! She doesn’t need a man.

 

Where are their parents?
I don’t think they’re around. So I think they died. Or they’re on an extended vacation somewhere? Or they went off to like, conquer another land.

 

Do you know who Oaken is?
Yes, that’s the shop owner. “Hoo-hoo! Big summer blowout!” That’s where Anna and Sven meet for the first time. She’s in there trying to find some boots and a dress, ‘cause she’s been trekking around the snow for who knows how many hours, and she’s really, severely underdressed. She needs like, a fur coat and something for her feet. So she’s trying to buy those things and then Sven walks in and he’s a bit of a popsicle too, he’s very cold and covered in snow. But he just wants carrots for Renaldo.

 

Kristoff and Anna from Frozen in Oakens Trading Post

 

What song does Sven sing to Renaldo in the barn afterwards?
“For the First Time in Forever”?

 

Nope.
Oh. I thought maybe that was the song.

 

Nah.
Um … “You Are My Sunshine”?

 

There you go.

 

Kristoff and Sven from Frozen singing Reindeers Are Better Than People

 

We think he did pretty well, all things considered—Sven could totally pass for a Renaldo. We also think he needs to watch Frozen ASAP, agreed?

 

Posted 2 years Ago
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