Traitorous Italian pop star Paolo Valisari from The Lizzie McGuire Movie was Hans before Hans was Hans. Due to his status as literally the worst, it’s practically impossible to explain exactly how egregious Paolo’s crimes against Lizzie are, but we’re going to try anyway.
First thing’s first: We choose to believe Paolo wasn’t actively prowling for Isabella’s blonde American clone, which means that he saw Lizzie and immediately came up with his diabolical plan on the spot.
Other villains have to premeditate their schemes. Paolo is evil incarnate.
The next time Lizzie sees Paolo, she walks in on a carefully-staged scene in which he is adorably helping three tiny Italian children make a wish in the fountain.
Look how he ruffles one’s hair just so, and all in the name of cruel manipulation. Heartless.
But the soulless charade is far from over.
Oh, how’s that, Paolo? On a red Vespa of lies and deceit?
They go on their scenic little field trip, and Lizzie is quite taken with the whole thing.
Look at her unbridled joy. Paolo is a monster for daring to mess with her.
Now, Lizzie is a sweet, trusting, fashionable baby angel, but at this point we skeptics begin to question Paolo. He starts claiming that Isabella bailed on him because he wanted to make more serious music.
This is all lies, of course, but even in his fake version of reality, Paolo’s a jerk. Like, he is literally saying he broke up with his girlfriend because she was too mainstream.
Then Paolo begins spinning his yarn about needing Lizzie to lip sync as Isabella at the awards ceremony. Lizzie is certain that her + a giant crowd = disaster, so Paolo cranks up the manipulation.
Later, when Lizzie confronts Paolo about inconsistencies in his story, Paolo does not miss a beat in covering his tracks.
Nobody should be that good at lying. Nobody.
Then this happens and we learn that Paolo is worse than we could have imagined.
Fine, brutally use this innocent girl for your maniacal ends, but why must you manipulate her first? It serves no purpose to the success of the plan! She’s already agreed to pretend to be Isabella! Yikes.
The night of the big awards show comes, and Paolo is still a horrible person.
The show begins. Paolo struts onstage confidently.
“Hi, how’s everyone doing tonight? Just about to ruin some innocent girl’s life.”
But sweet revenge is about to be ours.
We’re not spiteful people, but Paolo finally getting his just desserts really is what dreams are made of.
In conclusion: worst Disney villain, most triumphant Disney victory.
You go, Lizzie.
What are you feelings about Paolo from The Lizzie McGuire Movie? Tell us in the comments!