One Disney guy we continually admire is The Emperor’s New Groove’s Kronk. Don’t let his initial doltishness fool you: as the movie progresses, we’re introduced to more and more of Kronk’s talents and skills. For one, he’s an impressive chef who can master every entree, from warm spinach puffs to the diner dishes at Mudka’s Meat Hut. His other abilities include jump-roping, running at super-speed, wrestling, metalworking, and language fluency in squirrel. To top it all off, Kronk is an all-around sweet guy. Take a step into the Inca empire, and let us narrate what life might be like if Kronk were your strapping, squirrel-talking boyfriend.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, you would be the apple of his eye.
With a partner like Kronk, you would always be in the spotlight. He would let you shine like the royalty (or aspiring royalty) that you are. And he would be there to assist you with a smile.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would always remember important dates.
You would never have to remind Kronk about your approaching one-year anniversary or your birthday; he would already have the dates memorized by heart. Not only would he remember, but he would plan out an entire special day just for the two of you, bake a cake, and plan a surprise party with all of your best pals. Oh, and he’d have special party hats just for the two of you.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would make every experience more fun.
With Kronk by your side, life would be a beautiful adventure. He would be cheering, smiling, and encouraging you to put your hands in the air—even in your grumpiest moments.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would know how to prepare all of your favorite foods.
As a master chef, there’d be no dish too difficult for Kronk to prepare. And of course he’d be there to wait on you hand and foot.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would know exactly how to help you feel better.
Whether the solution to your problems would be simply lending an empathetic ear, or helping you smash replicas of your mortal enemy’s head, Kronk would be there for you. Kronk would care.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would throw epic dinner parties.
Kronk’s dinner parties would be legendary, and he would serve all of your guests with a smile. He would even offer to give them his famous spinach puff recipe. What more could you ask for in a significant other?
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would be the best charades partner.
You and Kronk would beat the competition in a friendly post-dinner game of charades. (Thankfully, your game probably wouldn’t be a life or death situation.)
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would be nice to your family.
Kronk is the type of guy you could take home to your parents. Not only would he happily oblige to meet your folks, he would genuinely want to see them again before the next family reunion.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would be adorable around children.
He’s great with kids (and an ace jump-roper, to boot). Kronk would be your nieces’ and nephews’ new favorite person and would probably volunteer to be their Junior Chipmunk camp counselor.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would constantly wow you with his linguistic prowess.
From his time as a Junior Chipmunk, Kronk had to be versed in the many dialects of all woodland creatures. Love makes fools of us all, and so does a man who really knows how to conjugate all of his squirrel verbs.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would expose you to new hobbies.
Suddenly, you’d find yourself immersed in birdwatching and be able to spot a golden-throated small-winged warbler. Your exotic bird bingo card would fill up, and you’d love every minute of scouting out feathered friends in the jungle with Kronk leading the way.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, he would be the ultimate partner in crime.
Kronk would be a great partner in crime in the figurative sense, but not so much literally and that’s probably a good thing.
If Kronk were your boyfriend, his ultimate mission would be make you happy.
He’d make all of your dreams come true by helping you achieve your career goals, listening to your feelings, and surprising you with your favorite foods. Your happiness would always be Kronk’s priority. And he’d accomplish his mission every time.
Tell us which of Kronk’s attributes you admire most in the comments!
