It’s time to forget everything you thought you knew about Gaston, and let the gentle waves of enlightenment wash over you. Can you handle the truth?* These Gaston facts are about to change your life:
1. Gaston eats five dozen eggs a day, which is 4680 calories. Wow!
2. The real reason Gaston learned to juggle all those eggs was because he wanted to bring joy to the lives of the villagers. My, what a guy!
3. Gaston knows the last digit of pi.
4. Gaston has never once experienced déjà vu, because everything he says and does is stunningly original.
5. Before you call Gaston primeval, consider his full, unedited quote: “It’s not right for a woman to read [in the dark]. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking [doesn’t actually produce a literal lightbulb above your head. A woman needs an adequate source of light by which to read, lest she damage her vision].”
6. Gaston has never played hacky sack before, but if he ever tried it, he’d be really good at it.
7. Gaston’s chest hair grew so thick and unruly that it became sentient. Now it compliments him at the turn of every hour. If you listen closely at 2 p.m. you can hear it whisper, “Hello, my sweet.”
8. Once, Gaston climbed to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro just to get a better view of the stars.
9. Gaston memorized the entire works of William Shakespeare, but only performs monologues in solitude under the light of the moon to preserve his artistic integrity.
10. Gaston’s spirit animal is a fierce, patient dragon.
11. When he was a boy, Gaston’s mother bounced him on her knee and explained to him that “you catch more flies with honey.” The little lad purportedly put his hands on her shoulders and replied, “But you catch more honeys being fly.”
Incredible! Which is your favorite new Gaston fact?
*This blatant Gaston propaganda is, unfortunately, satirical and untrue.