I remember watching the movie Kazaam as a kid, but I don’t really remember much about it, except that Shaquille O’Neal was a genie and he rode around on a tiny bike at some point. The tiny bike part may be made up in my head. We’ll soon find out. But then I thought, what else was I not remembering? What great wisdom did Kazaam impart on me as a child? Probably something amazing, which I have since forgotten. So, I set out on a quest. A quest to gain the knowledge that I once had—the knowledge that was taken from me by time and distance from my VHS collection. So I bravely watched Kazaam, one more time. These are my deep thoughts on this life-changing experience:
1. Never underestimate old buildings.
The opening of the film is pretty scary. There’s a rundown building with lots of weird stuff in it, a wrecking ball, whispers, and someone snoring. I think that someone is Shaq, because the sound is coming from what looks to be a genie’s lamp. Lesson #1: If the building is old and there is snoring coming from it, watch out.
2. Whenever bullies are challenging you, just say, “I am Kazaam!” and they will run away.
Alternatively, you can speak nonsense to them and wave your arms around a lot. And tell them you’re a genie. That always gets people running in the other direction.
3. Shaq is so very tall.
Also, you can tell he’s really happy to be in this film. He’s clearly living it up and loving every moment. This film is his swan song.
4. If you see a boombox, definitely press play.
Not that you’d see a boombox just lying around nowadays, but if you do see one, it’s probably the catalyst to release a magical genie, so you should investigate.
5. Wishes should not be wasted.
When a genie tells you that you only get three wishes, take that seriously. Do not wish for the first thing you can think of. Take your time. Deliberate. Wish wisely.
6. When you’re an extremely tall genie and you’re trying to hide, definitely hide behind tiny objects.
Like a magazine, or a street lamp. They will never actually cover you, but it is hilarious to watch you do so.
7. It’s tough being a kid.
Max, who finds Kazaam when he’s being chased by bullies, is having a rough time with life, in school, and with friends. Being a kid is not easy, and Max reminds us of this. Good thing he found Kazaam.
8. The tiny bike is real.
It’s actually not a tiny bike—it’s just that Kazaam is so tall, he makes the regular-sized bike look tiny. Oh, and then that bike turns into gold and Kazaam flies around the room on it. Then Kazaam says, “Don’t get all hysterical. Say thank you for your miracle.” We will thank you for that miracle, Kazaam.
9. Be careful what you wish for.
Don’t wish for the sky to rain junk food, because, if you really think about it, that would be terrible. And a real waste of food.
10. Kazaam’s rules for the wishes that he can’t grant are the same as Genie’s rules in Aladdin.
I wonder if they know each other?
11. Music makes everything better.
Also, Shaq dancing to said music is absolutely phenomenal.
12. We can all learn from one another.
Kazaam is supposed to be helping Max, but in the end they help each other. And isn’t that what life is all about: helping each other along to become our greatest selves? Who would have thought that Kazaam would make me write a sentence like that.
13. When Shaq is making magic, just let him shine.
There’s a whole scene where Kazaam makes a portable shower and sings random things and I’m assuming this was just Shaq being himself. This is not at all a fact, just a well educated guess.
14. It’s tough being a genie.
There’s lots of alone time and self-reflection when you’re stuck in a lamp waiting to grant wishes. This is probably why Kazaam is so wise.
15. An orange pinstriped jacket is the only way to show off your confidence.
Pretty much anything that Kazaam wears in this movie is the best.
16. Life is full of second chances, you just have to look for them.
Max’s dad says to him, “There are no second chances in life” and I feel like that was bad advice to give a kid. Especially a kid with a genie who totally proves him wrong.
17. “Life ain’t about wishin’ and dreams, it’s about what you got and what you can do with it.”
Kazaam’s quote needs no further commentary because it is already brilliant.
18. Don’t let success allow you to forget what really matters.
Kazaam is all caught up in his newfound fame as a performer, and it distracts him from helping Max when he needs it the most. Even genies make mistakes sometimes.
19. “The power is in your heart.”
Another direct quote from Kazaam himself.
Well, I did it. I watched Kazaam again. It really did provide me with some deep thoughts that never would have entered my brain had I not done so. Kazaam, see you again in 20 years when I write the article, “Deep Thoughts After Watching Kazaam Again, Again.”
What thoughts do you have about Kazaam? Tell us in the comments!