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The Golden Girls in 5 Minutes

Today, we have challenged ourselves to tell the story of the entire series of The Golden Girls in 5 short minutes. We will most likely fail miserably at this (we could go on for 5 minutes solely about Rose’s St. Olaf stories), but we will try our best. The 5 minutes start now:

THEME SONG

“Thank You For Being a Friend,” aka the greatest song of all time.

THE MAIN CAST

  • Dorothy: A sarcastic and witty substitute teacher who is often the voice of reason in the group.
  • Rose: A sweet and sometimes clueless grief counselor (among other jobs throughout the season) from St. Olaf.
  • Blanche: A confident southern Belle, who works at a museum and is often going out on dates.
  • Sophia: Dorothy’s Sicilian mother who is sassy and slightly mysterious about her past. It’s fitting that the home she lived in (which burned down) was named Shady Pines.

BEST CATCHPHRASES

  • “Not now, Maw!” – Dorothy
  • “Back in St. Olaf …” – Rose
  • “Picture it …” – Sophia

THINGS THAT HAPPEN A LOT

  • The girls going out to the lanai
  • The girls eating cheesecake
  • Sophia devising a crafty plan
  • Blanche and Dorothy fighting over the same man
  • Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose fighting over the same man
  • All of the girls fighting over the same man
  • Rose telling stories that don’t make sense
  • Dorothy hitting Rose with newspapers
  • Blanche being proposed to

THE PILOT

  • Dorothy enters
  • Dorothy is irritated because the kids she teaches have green hair
  • There’s a man named Coco who helps around the house
  • Rose comes in and talks about her day
  • Dorothy responds to Rose sarcastically
  • Blanche comes in and announces she’s going on a date
  • Dorothy responds sarcastically
  • They all talk about dating
  • Dorothy tells a story
  • Rose doesn’t understand
  • Dorothy explains
  • Rose understands
  • Sophia pulls up to the house in a taxi. Her building burned down. She’s going to stay with the girls now
  • Shenanigans
  • Blanche is deciding whether or not to get married after a proposal
  • Rose has a bad feeling about the marriage and wants to tell Blanche
  • Dorothy locks Rose in a closet. Problem solved
  • Rose is rescued from the closet by Coco
  • Blanche is left at the alter
  • Blanche is sad for a few weeks and then gets through it because of her friends
  • Blanche thanks Dorothy and Rose for being her friends
  • Sophia wonders how long Blanche’s speech is going to be because she’s “80 and has to plan”
  • Blanche says, “Even if we all get married, we’ll stick together”

SEASON 1

  • Dorothy’s daughter is getting married to a podiatrist. He’s super handsome
  • Dorothy has to see Stan, her ex-husband who left her for a flight attendant, at the wedding
  • Dorothy is not happy about having to see Stan
  • Stan has an interesting hair situation going on. It’s not hair. We’re not sure what it is
  • Dorothy and Blanche date the same man and fight
  • Dorothy and Blanche make up because it’s Golden Girls first, men second, for life
  • Stan tries to get Dorothy to forgive him. Dorothy is not having it
  • Dorothy’s sister tries to steal Sophia. Dorothy is not having it
  • Blanche gets proposed to. Again
  • Everyone gets the flu and it’s terrible
  • Big Daddy Hollingsworth (Blanche’s dad who has quite possibly the best name since Coco in this series) rolls up to Miami and tells Blanche he sold their family home
  • Blanche is not happy about this
  • Flashbacks to how Dorothy and Rose found a notice on a bulletin board which led them to rent rooms in Blanche’s house

SEASON 2

  • Blanche and Dorothy get arrested
  • Big Daddy Hollingsworth stirs up trouble again by trying to get remarried
  • Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche go on quite possibly the worst vacation of all time
  • Their suitcases are thrown around multiple times and they aren’t having it
  • Ugh, Stan’s back again annoying everyone
  • Dorothy and Blanche trick Rose by pretending to answer her personal ad. Rose falls for this because … Rose
  • The girls all date the same actor
  • Sophia battles with her sister Angela and it involves deep unresolved issues and pasta sauce recipes
  • Some handsome police officers have a stakeout in the girls’ house. No one questions this
  • A Sunshine Cadet steals Rose’s teddy bear and Rose gets it back and throws the cadet out of a door

SEASON 3

  • The girls have an amazing dance competition that should be required viewing for everyone in the world
  • The girls all face their fears: Dorothy’s fear of flying, Blanche’s fear of bald men, and Rose’s fear of public speaking. Sophia has no fears
  • Dorothy dates Stan’s brother, clearly not learning her lesson from Stan
  • The girls stop getting along and have to go to group therapy and some of the best one-line insults of the series occur
  • Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose, all fight over the same man. Again
  • Friendship wins in the end. Again
  • Dorothy and Blanche wear the exact same dress, and Rose is confused
  • Sophia tries to sell bottled water out of a hose
  • Sophia ruins literally every date Dorothy is on with her new boyfriend by not leaving them alone

SEASON 4

  • Sophia becomes the conductor of a jazz band. Because she’s Sophia
  • Rose sees a UFO. Because she’s Rose
  • Sophia marries Max. They buy a pizza place
  • The girls accidentally burn down the pizza place. It reminds us of Shady Pines
  • Sophia decides not to be married to Max. Because she does what she wants
  • Dorothy asks Stan not to get married again to another woman. Ugh, Stan
  • Rose and Blanche become big sisters to teenagers and the teens are totally rude and out of control
  • Dorothy and Sophia go to Walt Disney World! They are us!
  • Dorothy and Sophia are in a pizzeria commercial, furthering their wins this season
  • The girls almost sell the house
  • Burt Reynolds shows up in Miami. Of course

SEASON 5

  • Dorothy has chronic fatigue
  • Rose works at a TV station and fights ageism
  • Dorothy dates a clown. Like an actual clown
  • Blanche dates her late husband’s brother. Just like Dorothy dated Stan’s brother last season
  • Dorothy’s son Michael moves in but then she has to kick him out to show him the cold hard truth about life
  • But then, ugh, Stan brings Michael back
  • Sophia goes home to Brooklyn to picture it. Like, actually to picture it, because she can’t remember some things about her past
  • Dorothy and Sophia dress like Sonny and Cher for a contest and Rose plays the piano as they sing and it’s the greatest thing ever
  • The President of the United States decides to visit the home of The Golden Girls. Obviously. They’re a national treasure

SEASON 6

  • Lot’s of classic Golden Girls drama
  • Stan gets rich. Finally
  • Sophia becomes a nun
  • Blanche finds out her late husband actually faked his own death. What?!
  • Get ready. Dorothy and Stan are getting married. Again
  • Dorothy doesn’t marry Stan. For the best
  • Sophia is accused of being responsible for the Shady Pines fire
  • The girls dress up as birds and participate in what is quite possibly the greatest school play of all time

SEASON 7

  • The girls go on a murder mystery weekend and get really into it
  • Sophia reveals further details about her shady past, making it fitting that she lived in Shady Pines
  • Dorothy and Stan go to therapy
  • Stan is the worst
  • Dorothy and Rose go on a game show
  • We should probably mention that Rose has been dating this guy named Miles for a while and it’s pretty cute
  • Dorothy meets Blanche’s Uncle Lucas when Blanche sets them up
  • Dorothy and Lucas are irritated they have been set up, so they decided to trick Blanche
  • They pretend they are in love and getting married
  • Then they actually fall in love and get married
  • Dorothy is moving out and it’s so sad

THE SERIES FINALE

  • Dorothy says goodbye to Rose, Blanche, and Sophia
  • Rose says, “What can you say about 7 years of fights, laughter, secrets, cheesecakes.” You’re right, Rose, what can you say?!
  • Dorothy says, “I love you. Always.”
  • Dorothy leaves
  • Dorothy runs back in the front door
  • Dorothy says, “You’re angels. All of you.”
  • Dorothy leaves
  • Dorothy runs in from another door entirely, yelling, and it’s hilarious
  • Dorothy says, “You’ll always be my sisters. Always.”
  • Dorothy leaves for good
  • The remaining three Golden Girls hug. We break down and sob. We love them so much

We’re pretty sure this took about 15 minutes and not 5 minutes, but with The Golden Girls we can’t help it. There are thousands of other amazing moments in this brilliant, hilarious, gem of a series. What moment is your favorite? Tell us in the comments!

The song mentioned in this post, “Thank You For Being a Friend,” was originally written and recorded by Andrew Gold and re-recorded by Cynthia Fee for The Golden Girls theme song.

 

Posted 5 years Ago
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